The Model of a Modern Major General

Photo by J. David Levy

We have had an overwhelming number of requests for Thomson Smillie's new lyrics to the "Modern Major General" song. Here they are!! Also for those who would like a memory of the evening, there are posters (above) available from the Kentucky Opera Guild. Call the opera to get one! 502.584.4500!

I am the very model of a modern major-general,

I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral,

I know the names of fifty states in order alphabetical

I know about computers thou its mostly theoretical;

I know the names and pedigrees of all the Derby winners

And all the dirt on Frankfort and can name the saints and sinners

Then I can hum the Billboard hits of every recent Pop Era

[Ooh! Tricky! Orch riff of Phantom theme] Ah yes!

And whistle all the melodies from Phantom of the Opera.

I know the televangelists and all the rabble-rousers

Who preach the joys of chastity, till caught without their trousers!

In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral

I am the very model of a modern major-general.

I’ve studied all the gossip rags and know the sordid details

Of every rock groups drugging trips, as far back as the Beatles;

I know the names of Presidents from Washington to dubble-ya

Tho’ more on that, I rather think, I do not need to trouble-ya

I know the matrimonial stuff that really does embarrass,

On Brangelina, Britney Spears and even Hilton….Paris;

I know the inner secrets of the Kennedys of Camelot.

[Ah? Camelot? child super crosses with coconut shells :I have it!!!”]

And whistle all the tunes from that infernal nonsense Spamalot

I‘ve memorized the story line of HBO’s Sopranos.

And more of soapy opera plots as any other man knows

In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral

I am the very model of a modern major-general.

I’ve read the books on strategy and know it all in theory,

I’ve played at all the war games and believe me they are dreary;

On military matters though I’m anything but brainy

I know as much, I rather guess, as either Bush or Cheyney;

So when I’ve learned the sciences of firepower and ballistics

And know to differentiate the lies from the statistics

When I can tell a Sunni, from a Shia-type Iraqi

You’ll say a better general has never worn the khaki.

For my military knowledge though I’m gallant and adventury

Has only been brought down to the beginning of last century

But still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern major-general.

Thomson Smillie